As a parent struggling with two children with mental health and substance use issues, I lived with stress. I was not just stressed, but I seemed to be always anxious, angry, and frustrated. I dreaded when my phone rang – was it a school, job or law enforcement calling to hand me yet another crisis?
Despite my constant worry, I had the usual general life things to do such as cooking, shopping, cleaning, working and walking the dog. I had turned, frantically to workshops and books and groups to find the magic answer that would make my children heal and the problems go away. I heard people talk about the importance of self-care.
The groups I attended and the books I read all provided lists of things I could do for self-care. Some of which I did. Read a book? Check. Take a class. Check. Go for a walk? Check. Knitting? Not for me.
No matter what I did, I was still stressed, anxious, and depressed. I figured self-care was ok but not for me.
Until I found the flowering bush.
One day I went out to walk the dog and met a neighbor.
She was coming down the street and we stopped to chat. She was raving about a bush at a neighbor’s house. “Have you seen the crape myrtle bush down the street?” No, I said. “All the flowers are in bloom, and it is amazing. You have to see it before it rains and the blooms are lost.” She urged.
I figured it did not matter where the dog and I walked so why not go past the bush? I went.
The crape myrtle stood about 10 feet tall and spread its leaves in a wide dome. In full bloom, it was an explosion of pink, white, and rose blossoms cascading across its branches, with vibrant green leaves peeking between the petals. Each cluster of soft, cloud-like flowers seemed to reach out as if offering itself to be gently cradled in your hands. Flowers looking as light and tender as a breath. The vibrant palette and lush abundance created a living tapestry, inviting me to lose myself in its profusion of color and beauty.
It took my breath away. I tried to capture the beauty through photos so I could hold onto it forever. My eyes scanned every colorful cluster, and I felt myself sink into the beauty of the natural world. My breathing deepened and slowed. I lingered long after my dog had signaled she was ready to continue the walk.
And, as we continued to walk, I scanned my surroundings. I looked in every yard, around every street corner, and in every pond for other signs of nature. I left behind my fears for my children, my worries about getting them into treatment, my disappointment at what they were missing out on, and their future paths.
I entered my front door with a sense of calm, a sense of space between me and my worries. I felt the tiny stirring of confidence that I could handle whatever came up next.
That crape myrtle taught me what “self-care” means. It is a feeling, a thought, not an activity. It is the immersion in the present moment of the crape myrtle that was my real self-care. Not the walk – I walked every day. Instead, it was the freeing of my mind and emotions from the stress of my life and responsibilities. It was the feeling during and after of calm, and presence in the moment, that transformed that walk.
So now I am on the lookout for self-care opportunities. It is the feeling, not the activity that makes the self-care. I invite you to join me. What can you do for self-care today?
